It's Not Me, It's You

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It’s time for some real talk.

You and your baby have NOTHING to do with me and my lack of baby. So don’t, just don’t, make your pregnancy, birth, baby all about you having a baby and I don’t.

I can’t even begin to describe how often this happens and it is always by well meaning, if somewhat misguided, friends. At least that’s what I tell myself and that’s what my psychologist tells me to tell myself.

I know that being a parent isn’t an easy job. I know that babies are hard work. I am your friend and I am here to support you. Not go Single White Female on your a** and steal your baby because you aren’t happy. Nor do I go home and cry after I see you pregnant or cuddling your newborn or chasing your toddler around. Because our fertility issues really have nothing to do with you.

For example, people who are afraid to tell us they are expecting. I appreciate that they are trying to be sensitive to our feelings but it makes us feel bad. Are we that unpredictable or consumed in our own world (grief) that you don’t think we can be genuinely happy for you? Ouch. Trust me, every time it happens we take a long look in the mirror because we don’t want our friends (and family) to feel as though we can’t be happy for them.

Here’s the truth though. We will be sad. After all, it is a reminder of what we won’t have and things we will never experience. But we can be happy for you and sad for us. And that’s our problem, not yours.

But you treating me differently because you are pregnant/have a new baby isn’t sparing my feelings - it is rubbing it in. You need to trust that we will tell you if we can’t do it. You need to know that saying things like “oh I shouldn’t be telling you this because I know how desperately you want a baby of your own” hurts. Salt in the wound when I just want to be your friend and suddenly it has become an awkward “you vs me” thing.

If you don’t know what to say, ask. And if your infertile friend isn’t honest with you either, call them out on that BS. If they want you to treat them as a friend, they need to be transparent with you.

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Guess I did it again… another controversial post. You didn’t expect rainbows and unicorns did you? This isn’t the blog for that. I am here to push out awkward and uncomfortable things and I expect you to push back. I am working on getting the site email set up and when I do, I will let you know so you can send me your thoughts. Heck, it might even lead to a guest post or a follow up on my part. In the meantime, you can direct message me on Instagram (@notamommy)