All the Triggers

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I wonder when, if ever, it will stop.  The triggers.  The ones that catch you off guard – it might be a word, an image, a conversation overheard – and then your eyes are filling with tears and someone has driven a white hot dagger through your heart. 

Triggers are visceral things made of raw emotion and in my experience, very hard to control your reaction to.  They can also build on each other. One after the other.

There were a couple of them this past week or so.  Starting with watching a friend’s little one at their first hockey game, wobbling around on the ice. Yet all I could see were the “coaches” (Dads) on the ice, knowing that my husband won’t get to do that with his kid.  A few days later it was overhearing “congratulations, you will be a wonderful Dad” to a person that I am so happy they are expecting – their journey has been full of challenges – but in that moment all I could think is that no one will ever say that to my husband.  Something else that has been taken from him, and with that thought it was all too much and I was trying to hide the tears until I could ugly cry in the car alone. And ugly cry I did.

But I survived.  I survived that moment, and I promise you will too. We will survive them and the ones that come after because to get to this place, this childless not by choice place, you are so much stronger than you realize.

It was Thanksgiving in the US this week and holidays are full of moments that highlight your losses and/or your situation so much more.  I hope my sisters down south were able to make it through, but I know it isn’t easy.

I try to find ways to fend off the triggers when I am in public since it can be very embarrassing – my triggers always result in angry tears – and sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t.

My usual go to is to think about work. Ha. Isn’t that boring? But like most of us, there is an inevitable never ending “To Do” list that can distract me for a little while.

If not work, I go for escapism. I love romantic stories – especially ones where the guy pines for the lady a la Mr. Darcy style – and I try to transport to myself to another world. Temporarily escape my own mind and my own sadness.

My final act of desperate distraction is whipping out Pinterest and going for funny animal memes.  I know, I know.  But it works.  Follow my Pinterest link below to see for yourself!